


Star Shopping

by Xairathan



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Continuation, Disordered Eating, F/F, High School AU, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 15:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11421246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan
Summary: At least when they're together, Rei doesn't have to wonder where Asuka is.





	Star Shopping

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ayatokirishima](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayatokirishima/gifts).
  * Inspired by [I Will Follow You Into The Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8948905) by [Xairathan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xairathan/pseuds/Xairathan). 



> _An expansion on a previous fic for a friend, takes place sometime around Chapter 4 or 5._

This dream is one she’s had countless times: a field, dappled with red flowers that sway in an unfelt breeze, flat and reaching as far as the eye can see. She knows Asuka is here, somewhere: under the flowers, maybe, or in them. She’s close- not quite within reach, but near, if only Rei might reach out and find her.

Only, Rei never does. She wakes up each time, skin burning hot against the chill in her room, reaching for someone who isn’t there. Her arms feel too light, having not actually dug fiercely through roots and soil in a desperate search; her nails are as pristine as ever, short and trimmed, not dirtied and cracked.

Rei’s been having these dreams for weeks, but she knows she won’t ever be used to them. She expects and weathers them like she would a storm, but for her, there is no bursting of life like there would be after rainfall. There’s just Asuka and her varying states of tiredness, the glimmer in her eyes that more often than not fades when she thinks Rei isn’t watching, the listlessness with which Asuka miraculously carries herself.

The mornings when Rei wakes from these dreams, the sun not even high enough to cast light upon her face, seem separated entirely from those same days spent by Asuka. The impassable distance from her dreams has infiltrated reality; Asuka may be sitting beside her now in class, but she’s not _there_ . Asuka’s gone somewhere Rei can’t follow, only try to bring her back from.

Rei’s fingers work at the corner of the page she’s taking notes on, careful not to make a sound as she rips it free. She scribbles a word on it- Asuka’s name- and folds it into a little square, which she flicks in Asuka’s direction.

The paper knocks against Asuka’s hand, propped up against her cheek, and falls onto the desk. Asuka’s eyes slide down toward it, slowly, like they’re being dragged there against their will. The fingers of one hand uncurl, and Asuka pins the paper to the desk, opening it and smoothing the creases.

Her own name, written carefully by Rei’s hand, looks back. Asuka fumbles for the pencil at the top of her desk, pulling it close, but even the act of holding it takes all the concentration she can muster. The teacher’s droning fades; Rei is a blur in the distance, and Asuka can’t tell if she’s watching. She hopes Rei isn’t. Though Rei wouldn’t say anything, Asuka knows her well enough to imagine the disappointment that would fill her gaze, and the last thing Asuka wants is to disappoint Rei.

_I’m okay,_ Asuka writes. The pencil tip stutters across the paper, snags, and rips a hole below where Rei had written. Asuka’s eyes dart up, breath catching in her throat, but Rei hasn’t seen. Rei wasn’t looking. And that’s alright; that’s fine, she hadn’t wanted Rei to look and see her like this anyway, but a part of her _had-_

Asuka finishes writing and folds the note back up, reaching across the gap between her desk and Rei’s. Rei doesn’t take her eyes away from the front of the classroom, but her hand moves out, palm up, to receive the paper. Asuka lays it in Rei’s hand. Their fingers brush, briefly. A tremor moves through Asuka, through her world. She hopes Rei doesn’t feel it- or perhaps the tremor was Rei herself, her presence overwhelming and too much, too good, for Asuka.

Rei turns, but Asuka’s already lowered her head onto her arms. Her hands, folded one over the other, are hidden beneath her chin. Rei can’t tell from where she sits if Asuka’s shaking, or if she’d just imagined the shivering in Asuka’s fingers in that brief moment they’d touched. Asuka, as if she’s sensed Rei’s concern, glances over at her. Their eyes meet. The edges of Asuka’s mouth lift, as if to become a smile, and fall too quickly for it to have been genuine.

* * *

Rei, waiting outside the class, grabs Asuka by the wrist as soon as she walks through the door. She doesn’t need to apply pressure to pull Asuka along. Right now, Asuka’s too frail to offer much resistance, and Rei would like to think that even if that wasn’t the case, Asuka wouldn’t want to leave.

“Rei?” Asuka whispers. “Where are you going?”

“I’m taking you home.” Rei looks back over her shoulder, eyes glowing like heated steel. “My home.”

“We’re ditching?”

“You look like if you have to sit through another class, you’ll die.”

“I won’t die,” mumbles Asuka. She wouldn’t have it in her to do that to Rei, not if she was nearby, certainly not while they’re holding hands, or whatever this is that’s the closest to it that Asuka will ever experience. “Let me go. I’ll be fine.”

“Asuka.” Rei’s fingers press into her a little more firmly. Asuka knows what Rei must be feeling: bone, encircled by a thin, inadequate layer of flesh and skin; a weak pulse below it all that flutters madly whenever Rei is nearby. “I won’t ask you to eat, but come with me.”

“You promise?” Asuka says. She hopes that Rei will say yes, that she’ll mean it. She doesn’t think she’d have it in her to say no if Rei did ask.

“Yes. Now can we go?”

Asuka nods, and Rei sets off, still pulling Asuka with her. There’s no one at the gates to stop them, nor anyone to see when Rei finally slows her pace, drawing Asuka beside her as they walk towards Rei’s house.

“Won’t your mom be there, Rei?” asks Asuka.

“I don’t think so. She told Shinji and me she’d have to take care of something, so we should walk home.”

“Then won’t Shinji be waiting for you when school’s done?”

“He’ll come home with Kaworu. I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

“You shouldn’t be doing this for me,” Asuka mumbles. “Your mom’s gonna hear you ditched. You’ll get in trouble.”

“It’s for a good cause.” Rei adjusts her grip on Asuka, sliding her hand down. Their fingers touch and tangle together, a welcome gesture that sets Asuka’s heart to beating faster. “And it’s just one day. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Rei’s next step carries her a bit closer; the side of her face touches Asuka’s shoulder, as if she’d meant to lean against Asuka, having forgotten they were walking. “If you’re okay, then I’ll be, too.”

They’re quiet for the rest of the walk to Rei’s place, though Rei doesn’t bother with letting go of Asuka to unlock the door. She fishes the keys from her backpack with one hand and opens the door, and as Asuka walks in she sees Rei’s eyes upon her face, watching her intently. “What is it?” she asks.

“Nothing,” says Rei. “You look tired.”

“That isn’t nothing.”

“No,” Rei agrees, “it isn’t.” Her fingers loosen against Asuka’s, like she might let go, and suddenly it’s cold despite the sunlight coming through the front windows.

“Rei-”

“My room. Come on.”

Rei continues, without waiting for Asuka’s response, down the hall and to her room. She drops her bag down by the door and hears Asuka do the same, and then they’re just standing in Rei’s room, faces flushed, watching each other as if one of them might do something unexpected.

It’s Rei who moves first, and it’s not like she could’ve been expected to hold Asuka’s hand forever, but the loss of that contact still jars Asuka enough that she doesn’t realize Rei’s left the room until she returns, swinging the door shut behind her, as the hum of the air conditioning fills the hall behind her.

“Asuka. Here,” Rei says. She sinks to the floor beside her bed, resting her back against it, patting the spot next to her. Asuka goes, automatically, to sit there. She didn’t have to think about it, she realizes, watching Rei extend an arm to wrap around her waist. She’d done it because Rei wanted it. If this too is something that Rei wants, Asuka will be happy to comply, and more than glad to receive it.

One of Rei’s hands finds its way into Asuka’s hair, working through the knots and tangles with a patience that only Rei could achieve. Asuka doesn’t remember ever lying sideways or laying her head in Rei’s lap, and yet she’s here. She should be in class, falling asleep. Instead, she’s lying down in Rei’s room; Rei is stroking her hair- it’s the most tender thing that anyone’s done for her.

“Rei?” Asuka whispers. She feels Rei’s hand go still for a moment, waiting for her to continue. “Akio never did this for me,” she says. “Let me stay over, or…”

Asuka goes quiet, her voice fading like it’s been shut off. There’s something warm at the top of her head, a pressure: it takes her a moment longer to realize it’s Rei. Rei takes a deep breath, lips pressed to Asuka’s hair, taking in her scent. “Don’t think about things like that any longer,” Rei tells her. “He’s over.”

“But I’m not,” says Asuka. Her voice shakes; her body might be shaking, too. She’s not afraid of Akio, but rather what he represents, that he was her only chance at finding someone; that whatever this is that Rei might be offering her is just her own desperate imaginings. “Over him, that is.”

“I know. It’ll take time.”

“But you’ll be here, right?” Asuka tilts her head back, looking up at Rei, trying to conceal the trembling of her mouth. “Rei?”

“Of course I will.” Rei smiles down at her, and this too is something Akio never gave to her. Akio only smiled for himself, never thinking that being near Asuka was in itself something to smile about.

“Thank you.” Asuka settles back, resting her cheek on Rei’s knee. “Rei? Can I… rest like this?”

“Yes. If you need to, it’s fine.”

“But you’re okay with it?”

“Asuka.” Rei’s hand diverts, momentarily, so that she can run her fingers along Asuka’s cheek. “Of course I am.” Her reply is so simple, so unguarded, that Asuka nearly doesn’t believe it. No one says things like this to her, that they care, not without something in return. Asuka shuts her eyes, shaking her head as Rei resumes the slow stroking of her hair. It seems to make sense, though, that something such as that would’ve been said here, in the comfort of Rei’s room. It’s the closest thing to home that she’s had for a long time.

* * *

Only when Asuka’s asleep does Rei realizes how much of herself Asuka’s been laboring to carry, which isn’t very much at all. Her body feels frail, like if Asuka breathed wrong or if Rei held her a certain way, she’d fall apart at the next touch. Without the conscious presence of Asuka, Rei is left to sit awake and wonder what might happen next; if Asuka would start eating regularly again, if Rei might ever be able to hold Asuka as she slept and feel her breathe without trembling.

Asuka shudders again in her arms, and this time a sigh escapes alongside it. The sun has started to fall from the sky, coating the walls of Rei’s room with shadows, no longer warming Asuka’s skin. Slowly, Rei begins to move, gathering Asuka’s legs up with one arm and supporting Asuka against her body with the other. She can’t help jostling Asuka as she stands, nor can she avoid noticing how light Asuka really is, or how much loose fabric hangs from her shirt, drooping towards the ground.

Rei settles Asuka on her bed, drawing the blankets up to wrap them around her shoulders. Asuka’s lips part slightly, a relieved breath slipping from them, and Rei wonders what it might be like to kneel down beside Asuka and kiss her, if only for that fleeting moment; to tell her without words that there’s still someone who loves her.

Suddenly, a hint of blue- Asuka’s opened her eyes, focusing on Rei, but they’re clouded with the haze that belongs to someone who’s not yet ready to wake, who would dismiss all this as part of a dream to be forgotten like all the rest. Asuka’s hand comes up, drifting towards Rei. Her fingers touch Rei’s chin, linger there for a good second. It would seem Asuka is lucid, but in the next moment her hand is sliding away, her eyes are shut, and she’s asleep again.

Rei brings her hand up, feeling the place where Asuka’s fingers had been. She knows this will be forgotten, not out of any malice, but fatigue and the forgettable nature of those moments between waking and sleep. She’ll remember it for Asuka’s sake, never telling her, another secret that Rei will keep until Asuka’s ready for it. And if she’s not- Rei moves around Asuka’s body, sitting up against the wall beneath the window. If she’s not ready, then Rei will wait; if Asuka’s never ready again, then Rei will cherish it as Asuka’s last show of affection, even if it may not have been meant for her.

* * *

Rei is distracted from her watch over the window by a stirring beside her. Asuka’s opened her eyes again, pushing herself up and stretching her arms towards the ceiling. “Did I really sleep through the entire afternoon?” she asks, glancing in Rei’s direction.

“Yes,” Rei says. She turns back towards her vigil, away from Asuka’s watchful eyes. She doesn’t want to be scrutinized now, when she’s kept her guard down for so long. “You can sleep more, if you want.”

“No. It’s fine.” Asuka starts to move away, but stops. Rei’s clamped a hand around her wrist, something Rei hadn’t expected herself to do, either. “Rei?”

“You’re staying.” It amazes Rei how level her voice is when her heart is pounding hard against her ribs. “We’re not debating this. I’m not letting you go.”

“Do you really think you can stop me?”

“Yes. You’re still here, aren’t you?” Rei looks down at their hands again, and back up at Asuka. “You’re not going out there tonight.”

“Hmm.” Asuka sighs and shuffles over to the window. “Is that what you’ve been doing? Staying awake and watching me, to make sure I don’t run off?”

“Not the entire time.”

“Good. That’d be a little creepy, even for you.” Asuka laughs, leaning towards Rei. Her head comes to rest on Rei’s shoulder, arms bumping together. “You did homework, then?”

“Yes, and yours. Just this once, though. Don’t get too used to it.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Rei. And don’t say I’d get by, either. We both know how true that’d be.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” Rei moves her hand down Asuka’s arm, but hesitates to do anything more than place her hand on Asuka’s. “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?”

Asuka laughs, a grin flashing across her face. Her hand rotates beneath Rei’s, the warmth of her palm radiating upward. It’d be easy to forget in this moment the uneven movements of Asuka’s stride, the cuts too numerous to count that dot her body. Rei hopes, vainly, that maybe it’d be as easy for Asuka to forget Akio and that he’d ever said he loved her.

“You know, you’re the one person I don’t mind staying by, Rei,” Asuka murmurs. “You always seem to know what to do.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah. Probably since we’ve known each other for so long, right?”

Asuka’s hand twitches in Rei’s. There’s another answer that could be offered; they both know this. Rei could say the obvious- that it’s because she _cares_ \- but that would open up questions that Rei doesn’t know the answers to, and that Asuka won’t want to ask.

“Yes,” Rei says. “Probably that.”

They’re quiet again. The air between them fills with a crystalline stillness, ready to be broken at a word or the first sign of movement. At last, a whisper from Asuka: “Aren’t you tired?”

“A little,” answers Rei. “It’s fine.”

“No. You looked after me. I’ll do the same, now.”

“How do I know you won’t run off?”

“I won’t. I promise.” Asuka grips Rei’s hand, shuffling back on the bed. Rei goes with her, too weary to offer any protest. She’d rather things be like this, with Asuka taking the lead, than like before when all Asuka did was whatever Rei suggested. “Go to sleep, Rei. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“If you aren’t-” Rei stops to suppress a yawn, which slips out anyway between her fingers. “If you’re not here in the morning, I’ll ignore you for a week.”

“Empty threat. I know you couldn’t do it.” A hint of Asuka’s old smile- the one from before all this, before even Akio- flits like lightning across her face. “I made a promise. I’ll keep it.”

“Alright,” Rei says. She lies down in the spot Asuka had been, filling the dent left in the pillow by Asuka’s head. It’s warm; if she closes her eyes, she might be able to imagine it smelling faintly of Asuka, that scent pulling her deeper into the realm of sleep. This time when she arrives, the field of flowers she’s grown so familiar with isn’t there to meet her. Instead, there’s Asuka; there’s the warmth of their joined hands, a reminder that Asuka is there, that Rei hasn’t lost her yet.

**Author's Note:**

> _I finished this at 3 am and didn't use a beta so it's probably got typos somewhere, whoops sorry_


End file.
